Forever Frustrated Biatch

Food.

I love food. Food makes me happy.

Happy ke?

Really? Hmm..Not when you can't fit into you pants and have difficulites in breathing coz the seluar is too tight. Not when your friends go shopping for tiny little clothes and dresses, and all you can pick off the rack was the striped colorful bag which you thot could be your gym bag. Oh, at least, that's a start. bodo. Not when the cina kedai says you are NO 'leng-lui', lose the weight and eat losta veggies. A stranger commented. Stranger, people!!!

Its no fun when you look like mayat bloated on tot's bed, yeah, to some people it was cute. Yes, you'll be the group's baby/clown, expressing your level best to make people laugh coz that's the ONLY TOOL you have. Yes,you move to the beat, but it will never look good. Sweep the floor with the enormous butt? What was i thinking? Lucky I don't do that nemore.

No fun when you can't get what you want (dammit) coz you're just 'different' from the others. U adore your best features, but all those don't show their best just because you are trapped in that body.

You make fun of your own figure, just so you don't feel bad about your self. Having to live a quarter century with that load of fat, day in- day out, you'd learn the fact that you are just unfortunate and not blessed with a high metabolic rate. Maybe if i dont chew my food? Hmph..

I've tried everything under the sun, name it. Slimming centres (25K), diet pills, food replacements, gyms. Yeah, it worked. Yup, it FELT GOOD being small and could piggy-B on his back.But it wasn't sustainable. Alep knows. Ask her.I used to be really strong, not a single grain of rice for 18 bloody months. I could enjoy chicken breasts and veggies, which had no taste and savour the dedak kuda like it was beef pepp pizza..mana hilangnya semua itu???

Hate the fact - having to promise, but never actually started..Having to throw away traces of food, just so he won't ask. Lying? God. He's not stupid. They dont serve salads at McDonalds. And he'd realize in 6 months i'd still be the same, or even slightly bigger. And it kills me..

On Sunday, had dinner at Cozy GE with a bunch of friends, and all of a sudden that SCARY thot came outa no where. Tot said "skip the fries". Ok, I managed. Told the kakak tudung kuning to bungkus the leftovers. But ten minutes later (after harrasing kalos' chikupai) I got tired and ordered one scoop af chocy ice cream. Huh? TOSSSHHHHH!!!

Im frustrated.
For the zillionth time.

But above all, I do appreciate the fact that you guys (tot & JOi especially, and to the new ones too) are still with me regardless of me being what I am. I don't mind at all being your clown, coz having you guys around makes me HAPPY. No, not the food.

Thank you guys, for bringing the best out of me. For being there, no matter what. Those ups and downs were called life. WERE. not at present. And I don't wish to repeat.

To YOU, Thank you for granting me with a second chance. U know who u are. We're done being stupid kan.Can you handle the stick? Kami nak tido.

Scared. Butterflies everywhere. Really.

-Not so Babe